I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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