In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
