im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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