Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
