Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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