4 words: hood of his car
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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