I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I need a beard to bite.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
