goodnight i made you a song goodbye
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
