I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He felt like a one man threesome
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
