I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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