my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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