dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
