Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
of course. lets lasso hookers.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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