we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
