every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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