I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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