Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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