she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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