the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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