Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
