she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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