If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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