I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
