I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
