You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
