we have officially lost it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
