From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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