We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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