I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
