my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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