Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
