I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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