i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
