i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
