Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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