Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
