Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
