Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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