It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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