someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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