Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
