Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
