The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just found a bag of teeth...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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