He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
