she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
