I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
