I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
