i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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