is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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