we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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