I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
