Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
