I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
